Culture isn't something you hang on a wall. It’s something you live through your actions.

Leaders lead. You decide what becomes the norm.

When I walk into a place, I rarely look at the core values on the wall first. I look at the leaders. I look at what they reward, what gets them excited, and most importantly: what they let slide.

At a previous job, I noticed how often work was treated as something to be squeezed in. Quick-quick, no big deal. Until the moment things went wrong: a tough conversation, a high-impact decision.

The conversation took place in a room with glass walls, visible to everyone. People saw it. People felt it. And yet, work continued as if nothing had happened.

It wasn't the event itself that mattered, but the reaction to it: what was normalized and what remained unspoken. Culture becomes visible in those small moments. That’s how it works: leaders send signals, and those signals shape our norms.

The numbers

The numbers are clear. According to Gallup, managers account for a huge chunk—about 70%—of team engagement. And as soon as the culture shifts toward being unsafe or disrespectful, people head for the exit.

MIT Sloan (2022) shows that a toxic culture is the biggest predictor of turnover. It’s even 10 times more significant than salary.

But to really grasp those numbers, it helps to zoom in on leadership on a micro level: how do managers (often unconsciously) shape what becomes "normal"?

Where do you see "normal" take shape

Edgar Schein calls these "embedding mechanisms": the ways leaders, often without realizing it, show what counts. I don't use this as a model to explain culture, but as a lens to spot signals: what gets repeated, what gets avoided, what becomes standard? These are the three I look for first, because they become the norm the fastest:

1. Where does the attention go? (Think about what gets measured, what’s on the agenda, and what leaders follow up on.) What you measure and discuss becomes important. What’s missing naturally fades into the background.

2. How does a leader react when things get tense? (During an incident, conflict, or bad news.) Real values are revealed under pressure. And that’s exactly the behavior people adopt.

3. What does the leader do themselves? (Leading by example, "walking the talk.") If a leader is consistently late or cancels meetings at the last minute, the implicit message is clear: this is how we do things here.

And yet. If it’s so obvious… why does it still go wrong so often? Because "knowing" isn't the same as "doing." Under pressure, reflexes often win out over values, and that is exactly the moment when a signal is either corrected or normalized.

In conversation with Annelies 

To understand this behavior, you have to look beneath the surface. That’s why I spoke with Annelies, a coach for leaders and teams focusing on cultural behavior. She uncovers what models often miss: the gap between what leaders intend and what their behavior actually achieves.

Annelies: “Theory says the leader defines the culture. They set the direction, embody the mission and values, act as a role model, and provide support. And that’s true. But in practice, I often see something else: a gap between how a leader acts and how they think they’re acting. That’s where the real work happens.

A good leader provides both direction and support. I like to picture a herd of elephants with a matriarch. She knows where the water is and where the herd needs to go. But she also keeps an eye on who’s falling behind. You only leave someone behind if it puts the whole herd at risk. That’s leadership: inspiration and direction, but also care.”

What’s the biggest open secret about leaders?

Annelies: "That they often feel incredibly lonely. Especially at the top. They carry everything on their own, doubt themselves more than they let on, and often have no one they can truly turn to. That can make their behavior seem stiff or rigid. They don’t get out of bed in the morning wanting to be a jerk. They’re just trying to do their best with the tools they have.”

According to Annelies, this is a huge opportunity for consultants: “You’re temporary, so you can be a trusted confidant. You aren’t part of the system, and that’s your advantage.”

What is the role of informal leaders compared to formal leaders?

Annelies: "Informal leaders often have more influence on the culture than formal ones. Sometimes they’re the smartest people in the room, but they don’t use their influence constructively. They undermine leadership—consciously or unconsciously—and that’s lethal for the culture. If an informal leader and a formal leader don’t get along, your team is going nowhere."

Annelies advocates for sharp observation: “Look at who really holds the influence. Who sets the tone? Who do others follow? And what are they doing with that influence?”

What do you do when you realize the leader is the problem?

Annelies: "If you spot a gap between what a leader is doing and what the organization actually needs—or between what a leader is doing and what they *think* they’re doing—you have to ask yourself: am I the one who needs to have this conversation, or do I need to make sure the conversation happens?"

"You can never be the prosecutor. If you are, you’re done. You’ll lose their trust instantly. Instead, look at what you can objectively highlight. Can you use data or specific examples to show what’s going wrong and the impact it’s having? Then, approach it as a helper, not a prosecutor."

How do you build trust with leaders to actually get things moving?

Annelies: "You have to be willing to get close. And you don't do that by talking about the company, but by talking about the person themselves. I ask questions like: do you lead yourself well? What does that look like? Are you happy in your work? Do you think others are happy with you as a leader?

People want to develop, but they don't want to be developed. You have to let the question arise from within them. Don't force it."

What can we do with this?

Leaders send signals, but they often do so while under pressure themselves. That’s exactly why our work is to make those signals visible, make the tension discussable, and get behavior aligned with intent. That’s usually the crux of it: the intent is good, but the effect is something else entirely.

• Analyze the real influence: Look beyond the org charts. Who are the informal leaders, and what are they doing with their influence? Get them involved early, make their role explicit, and link their influence to responsibility.

• Zoom in on the undercurrent: Spot where a leader's behavior and self-image don't match up, but be intentional about who brings that up for discussion.

• Get close through the human side: Build trust with personal, gentle questions before you move on to the hard stuff.

Culture is what we normalize every single day. Leadership determines what that norm becomes, whether they realize it or not.

And that’s where the uncomfortable—yet most hopeful—part comes in: culture isn't a one-person show. The norm is created by what we all accept, including us as colleagues, coaches, and advisors. Leaders sometimes feel lonely and are genuinely doing their best, but that doesn't let anyone else off the hook. If you notice something is off, you always have a choice: look the other way… or bring it up.